A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.