dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”