What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
You Might Also Like
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better