Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Very problematic
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online