I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]