Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Nice try, NASA
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Thursday Thought.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
The sacred texts.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.