English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
saw this in a dream
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.