i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.