Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
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EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
me: my friends:
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer