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Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.