[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.