I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
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Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.