daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Yes my dude
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Tell me you get it…🤣
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Every damn time
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.