Tell me you get it…🤣
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me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza