“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
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Ironic
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
New menu item
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised