Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.