It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
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Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I ain鈥檛 cray-cray, I鈥檓 inappro-pro.
I鈥檓 such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
This dude got his own movie?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y鈥橝LL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you鈥檝e got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 馃き
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I鈥檓 waiting for my turn to play
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.馃ぃ
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
6: Dad, what鈥檚 the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*deals poker hand*
peacock that鈥檚 just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold