I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
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Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.