Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
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Friday
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Buying a well is money well spent.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.