She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
😂🤣😂🤣
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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Expectations vs. Reality