I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon