Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.