Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
felt that
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.