Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
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A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.