My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
step 6: release the wall snake
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.