Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*