Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
(2022)
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday