Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
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I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
How dude HOW?!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…