(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
“OMGJK” -atheists
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.