I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.