I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I got bills
They’re multiplying
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
😂😂😂
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I’m not wrong
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME