I got bills
They’re multiplying
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
This will never not be funny 😭
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.