getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
welcome back
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.