was Jim off killing horses or…
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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
concern
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
💯😂
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.