@Kristen_Arnett

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

You Might Also Like

@Ahhmandah

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

@ozzyunc

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

@joeldanger

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

@PinkCamoTO

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

@TheAlexNevil

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

@PhilJamesson

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

@Just__J0

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

@EmmaManzini

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

@unmehlievable

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

@XplodingUnicorn

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.