I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
You Might Also Like
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.