Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants