The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
You Might Also Like
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Cheer up.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.