My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.