i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie