friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.