I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no