[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.