Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
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Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside