Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
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ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god