@scot7a

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

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@Beatonm5

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

@noog

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

@LMemeit

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

@jayleno

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

@geekysteven

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

@RandomRamblr

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

@Chloestylo

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

@Tmoney68

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.