Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript: