My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?