A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee