I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*