FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
He is just living hist best little life 😊
This will never not be funny 😭
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.